君が私をみつけた日 (Critique: Tokyo Name Tank)
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Tokyo Name Tank, sponsor of the International Comic/School Contest 2023, gave their critique for the entry, " 君が私をみつけた日 ".
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The Day You Found Me / 君が私をみつけた日
Artist: Aka / あか
School: S High School
Country/Region: Japan
Language: Japanese
CRITIQUES
① I love this amazing magical world you've drawn!
I think that to have the reader easily dive into the world you have created, you should focus on making everything more easy to understand for the reader.
For example:
In the scene where you show everyone who defeated monsters gathering, I misinterpreted that as the cool kids gathering.
If you explained it using the 5W1H method then it would be:
When: a bit earlier
Where: somewhere in this magical world
Who: magic students
What happened: they defeated monsters
Why: defeating monsters with magic is something great
How: using attack magic
If you include the what happened, why, how in this scene then readers like me would not misread the situation.
(Ex. include a part that shows them doing magic to eliminate monsters)
You have the unique magical world down, now you just need the situation to be drawn out in a way that will be apparent to readers and get them hooked! Please challenge yourself to do this!
②
The cute expressions and conversation of these two is amazingly drawn!
I think that your strength is definitely drawing cute exchanges!
So that the readers can enjoy this more, I want you to make it clear what the character wants to do.
We understand that the character wants her wand back but we are completely in the dark on the when, where, how of this.
1. Maybe she tries to get it back when the boy is busy eating ice cream
2. She makes them go to a less crowded place where she can quietly ask him to give her her wand back
I can think of other ways to do this but you need to focus on what the character wants to do and communicate that to the reader.
If you do this the conversations between the two will stand out more and it will be a more enjoyable reading experience.
③
I thought that the panel with the boy transforming into a monster was a great mix of fascination and scariness!
I urge you to work on stronger compositions to make this scene stand out even more to readers.
If you want to show how horrifying monsters are, it would help to highlight the size difference between the protagonist and the monster through your composition.
(This is just for your reference, please feel free to tailor it to your artistic style).
The composition of the scene can really change the impression it gives to the reader, so please try out different approaches.
I believe with your unique sense and style you can make some amazing imagery!
④
I really liked how the lines in the end flowed, but it could have been even better if we got more of a glimpse about why the protagonist is so down on herself.
Let's look at her in the 5W1H method:
When: now
Where: somewhere in a forest in a magical world
Who: the protagonist
What happened: she's crying
Why: ??
How: very big tears
The why was the part that was not fully depicted.
If you communicate the why to the reader, then not only do you know why the girl is crying but you also let the reader feel the full effect the boy's (monster) last line and what it means to her.
For example, you could put in a flashback scene before she cries to show the why, and it would make the climax hit harder.
Words of encouragement
I felt the love for the sparkling and pretty magical world, love for the girl, and love for the strangely shaped beings.
Many types of love were strongly conveyed. I believe that the depth of this love itself is one of your strengths!
Carefully nurture this love and I hope that you will continue to create works with an awareness of all the ways you can make it easier to understand!
First off I want to say that I believe that it is very difficult to project the fantasy world that resides within anyone into a manga.
However, after reading this manga, I am convinced that you are capable of depicting this world in a fascinating way.
I am very much looking forward to seeing various works from you in the future!
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