Ki-oon provided its detailled critique on "LE BOUQUET D'OS", one of the entries to the International Comic/Manga School Contest 2021.

 

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LE BOUQUET D'OS

Pen name: Marcelo

School: College catholique Samuel Genest

Country/Region: Canada

Language: French

 

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Page 1

① Maybe it would be better to start with an opening page that doesn't show the end of the story? It is best not to self-spoil to better engage the reader.

 

 

 

Page 3

② You have to explain what Dalos-Bay is (eg: small village or famous town?).

Or you can omit the place name if it doesn't matter in the story.

 

③ The hero should be introduced in a grander way. Even in the sleeping position. It is more important than the decor or its owner. There he is very small, we do not understand that he is the hero. It would be nice to show his thoughts or his dreams to deepen his character.

 

④ A few pages later, we see that Barky speaks normally when he is not heard by his masters. This code should be respected and you should made him to speak without subtitles here as long as he is not in front of his master. It would set the tone for the hero as soon as he comes into play.

 

 

 

Page 4

⑤ It seems to me that there is a problem of proportion. The master is much larger compared to what you see on the previous page.

 

⑥ This box gives no new information and breaks the rhythm. Better take it off and make a bigger box showing overexcited Barky.

 

Page 5

⑦ To be consistent with the angle adopted on page 2-3, you should represent the street the other way around.

It would allow readers to better understand the space the story takes place in. It would even be preferable to include the yellow house in frame 1.

 

⑧ We can't make out Barky. He should be represented clearly.

 

⑨ Suddenly the action is shown from the point of view of the master. It would be better if the camera stayed at Barky's level, he's the hero. We have to see his reactions clearly.

 

 

 

Page 6

⑩ This barking onomatopoeia is the reader's first contact with Koko. It should be crafted to reflect her characteristics and be different from Barky's.

 

⑪ It would be better to save the intro of the heroine's physique for the next page, in order to create a stronger first impression. In this box, you should focus on Barky's expression.

 

 

 

Page 7

⑫ Needless to say.

It is understood in the context. It would be possible to use the same color gradient effect built into the next page, but this time for entry into the memory.

(color gradient)

 

⑬ Again, the characters are way too small compared to the setting.

The star here is Koko. She should be much larger to take up at least half the page. This flashback is a memory of Barky's, who had eyes only for her. It would be more natural for her to occupy the entire field of vision, sparkling with beauty.

 

 

 

Page 8

⑭ His words should be clarified. Does he mean "What a beauty! I wish I had the courage to confess my love to her! "?

 

⑮ You don't have to say that.

 

⑯ To vary the shots, it would be better to show his face full of good will in close-up. As there is still a lot of unused space, you might as well widen the box to see it clearly.

 

 

 

Ki-oon

 

International Comic/Manga School Contest 2021 Winners