変温動物的紀行 (Critique: Kodansha)
-
MVP ◆This user has contributed greatly to the management of the community, by posting many great responses to the questions asked. Once every three months, MVPs are determined based on the points earned during that period and will be recognized accordingly. -
New Valuable Player (NVP) ◆These are the next-best contributors to the community after MVPs. This is awarded to users who have not yet won an MVP award, based on the number of points they have earned. -
Official Expert ◆Chosen out of all MVP awardees, who are already proof of excellence, this is a testimony of outstanding correspondence in the community. After careful screening, they are appointed by CELSYS and assume their position.Note: Formally called “Evangelists” -
CELSYS official moderators ◆Moderators are official CELSYS staff members who are fluent in Japanese as well as various other languages. As moderators are not experts on software or creative work, they will not be able to directly answer your questions. However, moderators will provide communication and language support to ensure that everyone can smoothly communicate with each other. -
CELSYS officialThis is the official administrator account.
Kodansha, sponsor of the International Comic/School Contest 2022, gave their critique for the entry, "変温動物的紀行."
View entry
変温動物的紀行
Pen name: なごやかなごみ
School: University of Tsukuba
Country/Region: Japan
Language: Japanese
View Critiques
*These are my personal opinions. Please take it as "there might be some readers who read it this way" when you use this advice.
Pages 9 & 10
1) The way that the two characters are facing in the first panel isn’t mirrored in the second and third panels, and may confuse readers.
Perhaps it would have been easier to switch the camera angle in the first panel.
2) The dialogue and expressions on the characters’ faces show you exactly who the characters are!
3) Great perspective shot here!
4) Mirror
5) Because the third and fourth frames are taking place while they are driving, it would feel more natural if Arakawa and Shinoda made eye contact in the rearview mirror.
6) The position of the mirror here makes it look like she’s driving on the left side.
7) This feels a bit jarring. How about “What is it that you want to do?”
Pages 11 & 12
1) It’s easier to get Shinoda’s emotional state if his eyes are looking downwards (or downcast).
2) It’s a bit hard to understand how he could have ruined the teamwork because of his lack of “ability as a writer.”
Pages 15 & 16
1) Very good background. Amazing use of color!
2) What a great line!
There was one point that stuck out to me - the fact that Shinoda’s complex towards Takeuchi was never touched on during his monologue at Arakawa.
I feel like I would have liked to know more about this Takeuchi character who comes onto the stage, and what they mean to Shinoda.
The coloring, the panels and the pauses in the story were wonderful - full of the kind of feeling that only Bande dessinée can achieve!
Kodansha
International Comic/Manga School Contest 2022 Winners
Comment